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Sometimes I wish I could move back to India, but then what would I do there? I would have to start everything over. Memories of India bring back days full of fun and bliss. I was much younger (yes yes even younger than I already am) then, and everything revolved around making it to the sports meet, dance club, elocution, TV, movies, friends, and maybe a little bit around grades. And maybe thats why I sometimes wish I could move back because I associate India with a sheltered life full of fun and merry and no vicious circles of life to get caught in. Now that it wouldn’t be just all that anymore, my heart strings still stretch out and tug at me with every thought of moving to India. Actually not just back to India but away, away to anywhere! I am just craving change, anywhere!

Its some sort of an identity crisis, where I have no idea where I am going. I recently talked to a friend, lets call him N. Continue Reading »

Teri yaad yaad, teri yaad yaad…..

Its about 12:45 am right now and I am missing B terribly! We are used to talking to each other everyday, first thing in the morning, last thing before going to bed and millions of times in between. People around us wonder what all we have to talk about and how we can call each other and TALK on the phone so many times a day. Ab to bas, ek aadat si ho gayi hai! So right now, Mr. B is in Hyderabad for a cousin’s wedding, eating wonderful hyderabadi food, dancing, singing, running errands, and having a gala time with family! And I am here just missing him. The schedule is off na (yea yea I am that desperate to talk to him!) Just talked to him a while ago but that was a blink and you miss phone call. Don’t want to keep calling him and have his family wonder “hey bhagvaan what a clingy fiance” ( thats right! Thats what I am supposed to be according to mommy dearest. I argued that “girlfriend” is technically correct since I dont have the official **rock** but Mum said he’s now you “fiance!! what transformation and progress na?) But I AMMMM needy and I neeeeeeeeeeeeed to talk to him.

SO….since I can’t! this blog has to bear the brunt! I sms’d him that he needs to get me a ticket to India and voila…we had our very own version :”ticket to bollywood!” song Aaaaah I am just ranting, I think I will go crazy if I don’t talk to him for more than a day, make that twelve hours! Tis true, you only realize how important one is to you when he is far away. I take those everyday phone calls for granted and now when these times come around, its time for some philosophical reflection (Kaush the Freud at work here). I miss him soooo much! Maybe somewhere somehow through the cobwebs of coding and wiring, this message gets to him and he calls me so I can hit the sack peacefully! Sigh. Okay rambling over. Not really but there isn’t much I can add to the rambling besides the fact that I am just having one of those days/nights whatever…its just one of those - you need to get here right now kinda miss you moments! Okay rambling over for real now.

Thank you to all for the birthday wishes. It was great! I got a record # of wishes on Orkut and that was amazing! Loved it loved it! I told B he needed to reply to the comments he got on the last post and he said “as soon as I get back from Hyderabad.”

UPDATE: 1:23 am Tried calling him one final time before going to bed, a very annoying lady answered “Aapke dwaara dial kiya gaya number pahoch ke baahar hai.” Sigh.

Holi pictures circled the family emails last week. I kept looking at them over and over again with the same expression and thought in mind: ” Oh my god, I am soooo fat!”

I dimissed the thought as a figment of my overstressed over-worked brain thinking that I was going through that phase of anorexia where every body part seemed fatter than usual. But then the bombs dropped. One after the other.

I should have taken the hint right away when the first thing B’s mom said when she met me last year was: “Photo main kaafi patli dikh rahi thi” Imagine if these were the first words you heard from your extremely sweet future mother-in-law. It hits hard in the gut. I thought that maybe those pictures from Didi’s wedding were flattering and maybe I had just looked a wee bit too thin then. I dismissed the thought and didn’t think much of it. It has come back to haunt me, every minute now.

The subject of Holi pictures was broached by one of my cousins last night. He thought that the pictures looked like an advertisement for the obese face of growing Indians in the US! “its like all of you were competing for the chubbiest face contest.” Sadly, it was true. To make matters worse, this morning at work two people told me I was gaining weight. One of them was a customer, so I gladly sent her home with a smile on my roly-poly face. The other was not spared. Azzie*, a very nice Morrocan gentleman at work was talking to Katie*.I happened to pass by when he said in a very thick Morrocan accent, “K, you seem to be getting faatter.” I wanted to dig a hole right there and bury myself. If looks could kill, the look in my eye that minute would have fried him. Realizing his folly, he immediately corrected himself, “No no,I mean you are now looking even preettieeeer. Real wemin have corves you know.” The damage was done. Azzie tried to make amends by smiling and remembering everything good that he could think about me, to no avail.

I still remember the medical/physical test that every immigrant to US has to go through. At that physical five years ago, the Parsi doctor at Breach Candy hospital said to me in her stern voice. “Dikra, you are underweight and you want to go to US?” She was checking my BMI(body mass index) that fell under “Underweight” category. Just on whim today, I checked my BMI and sure enough, it fell smack dab in the middle of the “Overweight” category.I let out a cry and as mom came over my shoulder to see what I was doing, she exclaimed: “Huh, atleast you are not obese.” Sure! The glass is half full. Literally.

5 years and 50 lbs (23kgs) is what I have accomplished since that BMI test at Breach Candy, Mumbai. Somehow, I don’t remember those years when I used to fall under the “Normal” category. I am not one of those to go completely anorexic and starve myself because I do love food! Having a palate for all kinds of food doesn’t help either. However, I have come to realize that I neeed to do something about it. Not get to the point where I am vain and all I care about is how thin I am, but atleast to the point where I am not competing for Ms Roly Poly award.

New resolution added to this years list (a first): Lose weight and get to a “Normal BMI”

The good news is that I now have an excuse to explain my procrastination with not blogging, finishing up taxes, getting off the couch, not doing all things and sundry. Buahaha! Who said I was not positive about this?

You know everyday I think I will return to blogging and everyday I open this admin page up to write something and everyday I shut it without having ever written anything. There have been times where my muse lit up for a paragraph or two only to realize it was going no where, resulting in me deleting even the to other paragraphs I wrote - err typed.
Blogs have been very near and dear to my heart for so many reasons: I have made some great friends here, I have read some great posts, had some awesome discussions, arguments, mischiefs, and even some fights, and how can I forget the pleasure of writing myself! When the heart is lonely and the brain tired, my blog was always the place to utter my inane utterances. Sometimes it turned out funny and resulted in hundreds of comments. I look back at them now with a chuckle thinking “what the heck was I thinkin?” I miss that. So guess what? I am going back to writing. I know I still don’t have that time I used to have to update and reply but I shall try. Never say never right?
I am still trying to figure out Wordpress and its nuances but I am sure with time I shall be able to update and change my template like I always have! But until then I think I like this simple look and hope to stick to it atleast until I figure some widgets and etc out!